I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
