The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
