um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
farters have to be the big spoon...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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