I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
