I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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