the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
