rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
