Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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