wrigley field is MILF paradise
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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