Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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