Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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