To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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