now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
