I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
