make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
