Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why is your signature on my underwear?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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