8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
