Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
