One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i wish my penis had a tongue
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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