I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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