11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
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I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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