Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
