I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
