he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
