it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
