booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
