If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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