I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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