Just fell off a train. Bad.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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