the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
