Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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