we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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