i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
