I think I died a long time ago.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.