Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.