Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix