NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He felt like a one man threesome
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
