I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
