I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just gift wrapped bread.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
