I met the friendliest cop last night
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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