Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
