How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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