So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
