Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
