dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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