Don't make out with my wife yet
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Im part way to drunk.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
