I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
