he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
