just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
