You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
