remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize