That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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