So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
