I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
