I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
