I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
