when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
last night I used snow as a chaser
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