Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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