i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
